Big Decision. Small Post.

62,361 words, 177 posts, 398 comments, 24 followers, 5 make overs and 3 years later...

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

-Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

Honesty is the Best Policy

They say honesty is the best "policy". Honesty has become a policy because it pays. If it does not pay, then? Then dishonesty is the best policy.

The whole thing depends on what works, what pays, what makes you richer or more respectable, what makes you more comfortable, safer, more secure, what gives you more nourishment for the ego - that's the best policy.

-Osho

Random

Just two blog posts and I feel so happy! I should have just blogged when I was upset. Would have saved me all that headache!

Now I'm so happy that I don't want to sleep. I have to be up in 4 hours for a lecture, followed by a silly 5 marks test!

Okay just because I can blog from my phone (read: from under the blanket) doesn't mean three in an hour! I should really sleep now; tomorrow is a long day!

P.S. Shooting at the 28th floor :D will put up pics!
Sent on my BlackBerry® from Vodafone

I <3 Heights

Going to the 30th floor of a building with a person who has vertigo made me realise that I love heights. While she was feeling dizzy, I couldn't get enough of the view around me!

There's something about the skyline of Bombay that I absolutely love. I can go on admiring the shimmering lights and passing cars for hours together. And when I do get bored of the city, I just have to look up and take in the never ending expanse of the sky along with the sparkling stars.

Every time I'm on one of these tall buildings, I feel a weird sort of happiness, contentment. I feel high (pun intended).

Tall buildings with the city around me or high mountain peaks that meet the clouds. I absolutely love heights! :D
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A mind full of thoughts

So events have happened in the past few days that fuelled my mind into taking me down and ripping my self esteem to bits and pieces. I tried blogging about it but couldn't because I thought it will be totally contradictory to my last post. But then I've been feeling so uneasy without an outlet that I just had to finally blog my thoughts.

It's taken a toll on my health. I had a headache for three consecutive days because of excessive thinking. I'm questioning myself, doubting myself and then hating myself for doing so. Sometimes everything feels easy, sometimes it's so difficult that I want to give up. I'm angry because I put in so much effort to build my self esteem and then I allow any random person to make it fall like a house of cards.

My mind keeps wanting to retreat into its cocoon of no contact but I'm trying not to let that happen. I'm better now, just need to be at peace with myself.

Testing

Wow! I just discovered how I can blog from my phone through email on my current Internet Plan itself. This just keeps getting better and better!! Screw you Vodafone :D Oh, that's a trial picture by the way :P


Sent on my BlackBerry® from Vodafone

Voices in my Head

The million inhibitions, insecurities, doubts, negative thoughts; all spring from one thing — my Inferiority complex. It's a mix of all those things the people around me expect me to be against what I really am. I paid heed to those voices, let them grow and in turn they affected my relationships, the people around me, my work, the way I look at life moreover they affected my mental well being to the extent that I thought I may be clinically depressed. Whereas all I had to do was not listen to the voices.

What's done is done. But now, I've started making a conscious effort to not let the insecurtites get the better of me. These past few days, I've been ridiculed for being off alcohol, not smoking, not clubbing, being a workaholic, loner, etc., etc. My mind has been waiting to pounce on the opportunity for self bashing but I'm not letting it. I'm allowing myself to accept and be whatever it is that makes me happy irrespective of what people think of me.

So yes, I do want to shed all my inhibitions and live freely. I feel bad about not being able to make a decent conversation without breaking into a panic attack, but I'm accepting it as a part of me. I'm not a talker but a listener.

The voices are not going to die out over night, they're deep rooted in my sub conscious. Everytime I want to pat myself on the back for a job well done, the voice is going to keep making its presence felt. But it's in my control whether I want to listen to it. Sooner or later it will fade away.

Everybody has their demons. The little voice in our head that if let loose would destroy us. There are some who don't realise it, some who try to escape and cover it, some who struggle each day. It's upto us to decide who takes control. I've made my decision.

Celeb Challenged

I know I said my job makes me feel like Andrea Sachs from Devil Wears Prada but I meant in the cool, Editor's Assistant way. Not in the loser, doesn't know how to spell Gabbana way.

The cool part is I know I fit well to the designation of 'Editorial Assistant' as I'm good with organising, making to-do lists, co-ordinating, keeping things in order, knowing things at the top of my head, etc.

The loser part is that I feel what Andrea felt when Miranda rattled off about some CK skirts and scarves, etc. The difference being, in my case my Editor rattled off some celebrity names and I was C.L.U.E.L.E.S.S.

I've never been a celebrity person. I know the Bollywood names, not aware of too many Hollywood names. I watch a lot of their movies, I remember character names but fail to catch their real names. Same with music. A song would be one of my favourites but very rarely would I know who's sung it! Obviously, identifying socialite/elite names is out of the question! And then I go and land myself a job at a celebrity lifestyle magazine. So when a senior colleague pointed out to the picture of a woman who didn't look like she was from Hollywood and was definitely not a Bollywood actress, I was blank. I was then told that she is the daughter (or was she the wife?) of the owner of HDIL whose name I'm finding it difficult to recollect (See!)

So if you ever catch me taking notes from Bombay Times, don't be surprised. I'm just doing my job! I'm sure by the time my University exams come around, I will be prepared to appear for an additional subject. I just hope I never get this look from my Editor...

Change

Can people change? People are who they are. Give or take 15%, that's how much people can change, if they really want to. Whether it's for themselves or the people they love. 15%.

- Mitchell Pritchett, Modern Family S01Ep13

Had once asked someone to change for me. They didn't. Guess they didn't love me.

I'm pissed because..

- I selflessly put in hardwork. I feel plain bad now.
- I hate seeing her every single day. I wish I could tell her what a bitch she is, and I hate her so much.
- I don't want to go for expensive lunches on my parent's expense.
- Vodafone is being a pain!
- I hate how people put others down just to cover up their own insecurities.
- People can get vicious once they start bitching. They don't realise the levels they stoop to.
- Everyday I go to that place, I hate the people more and more.
- I hate feeling helpless.